What FNaF Means To Me

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Now that I'm no longer under the claws of my abuser. Even when I physically got away from her I was afraid of what she could do to me, but I'm not anymore. So I'm going to share what happened to me, and why this account--and the games were so important to me.

I can fully share why FNaF meant--and still means so much to me.

For those who weren't here in the beginning, the fandom community was small, there were just a little under 1,000 search results for it on DA. There was only one stamp, only a select amount of OCs, ect. It wasn't a big deal. But, for myself and a lot of other people, it was. We all wondered if it would actually get popular enough for merch, a movie, more games, but at the time that seemed like a dream.

I first played FNaF near the end of September/beginning of October of 2014. I was 17, and highly suicidal--now that I'm aware, it wasn't for normal reasons.

I had been alone my entire life other than the people I knew online. I was incredibly isolated. My mom wouldn't allow me to keep friends in real life--she never had. I only went outside once-twice a month to help her go grocery shopping--showered about the same amount (once-twice a month), and she wouldn't let me go to public school. During the winter, my only escape was to go outside at 3:00am and shovel.

We lived in a falling-apart basement apartment with no air conditioning, heat, no properly running water, and she wouldn't even let me open the windows. I was trapped in my room most of the time, unless I wanted to get on the computer (Which was in the dining room where she let the animals urinate and defecate on papers that were laid out on the floor.), and most of the time I couldn't stand the smell--so I slept. A lot.

As I stated, I was 17 when it first came out. I already had my means to kill myself, I was just waiting for one more bad night. One more bad night and I was going to off myself. But, in the mean time, I checked out the game by a fluke. I played it, and I immediately fell in love with it. At the time, it was terrifying, anxiety-inducing...it was amazing. It made me feel something other than anger and sadness.

And it gave me something to do. Something other to focus on other than my life.

I started drawing for it. I started writing for it. I wrote BoC. I started this account. I was so excited. I met so many people, made so many friends, it was amazing. It wasn't like the other fandoms I had been in.

It made me want to hang on.

Every time my life got worse, a new game would come out. It would help me hold on.

So, when FNaF 2 came out, it renewed my hope. It made me feel like something was always there to keep me through my hardships. For the first time in a long time, it was something stable in my life. I put everything into this game, I lived it, it WAS my life. I had nothing else. But then, I started making friends. I reconnected with old ones thanks to the game. I had more people to talk to, more people to help me look forward to the next day.

I cried when FNaF 3 was announced. I actually cried. The trailer came out on a particularly bad day. I wept because I felt like it was there to protect me and keep my mental state safe. I know it's stupid, but the game made me feel safe.

Around the same time, my best friend, alien-opossum, was talking about getting me out of that house. Away from her. And, he did. He bought me a plane ticket and I left that damn state, and my mom. The person who had abused me since I was young.

The night I got to his house, the trailer for FNaF 4 came out (along with The Tale of Two Stans, but that's another fandom). Again, it felt like the series was there for me. I was in a new enviorment and my future was uncertain, but it was still there.

When FNaF 5/World came out, I was in the middle of a breakdown. My past was there to haunt me, and it was there to stay. The game numbed the pain. I barely remember it, now.

FNaF 6 (or 5 if you wanna go with that, I've always called it 6) was announced when I was trying to sort out my feelings towards the person who saved me from abuse, and while I was struggling with my job and depression. It came out during Hurricane Matthew, I was in the middle of it--I was able to buy it just before the storm hit and I played it until my laptop ran out of power.

For the past 3 years, this game has been there for me in ways that I can't thank Scott enough for. It was there when I was close to death, and it's here now as I look back on those times. I still wonder how I made it.

Recently I visited my abuser--she had convinced me that she had changed (I can read people like a book in real life, but not over the internet, so I had believed her). Surprise surprise, she hadn't changed, and I slept in the same room I almost died in for a little under a month, hiding my face in alien-opossum as I slept. I was reminded of all of the nights I spent pacing around the room, thinking up new ideas for the ask account, trying to figure out the timeline for the two games that were out at the time.

If it wasn't for my friends, you guys, and this game--I don't know what would've happened. You all gave me something to look forward to, and so did the games. I'm sorry if this is scattered at all, I just....I'm very grateful for you guys. You kept me going.

For those who are still around on this account, thank you all. Thank you so much.
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cloakedeclips-qp's avatar

this all just feels so relatable to me honestly five nights at Freddy's came into my life and a point where I didn't know what I was exactly doing with my life I just I guess that's just fandoms in general when fandoms came into my life everything just became more clear for me I'm so glad that you got through all of this You are strong and you've lived through it all You can conquer anything at this point